Daily Mood Quotes - january 13, 2012

 

Daily Mood Quote

Day 239 – January 13, 2012

Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well"

~Voltaire

In the movie Heart and Souls with Robert Downey Jr. (Thomas), Kyra Sedgwick (Julia), Elizabeth Shue (Anne), Altre Woodard (Penny), Charles Grodin (Harrison), Tom Sizemore (Milo) and David Paymer (Hal, the bus driver). Thomas said to his girlfriend Anne, “ I've loved people before and they went away. So a long time ago I made a decision that I wasn't gonna need anybody anymore.”

I'm starting with a movie quote because a few days ago, I realized that I have been having some very dark days recently. My moods, my behavior and my attitudes about things have been a bit rough, I haven't even been interested in talking to anyone. I have been told that it's part of the grieving process. I really wouldn't know because its been so many years (1983 to be exact), since I lost someone I actually cared about, loved. In my lifetime, I have been hurt so many times by people who have claimed to “love” me, but that love came with strings attached and always tied into something. I have already stated I grew up in a family that taught the “love with strings” way of life and because of that, I decided to put up walls, so that I could live without feeling hurt, or used and sometimes both. In 1983, I was friends with a Major in the Army... just friends; he was old enough to be my father. We read the same books, discussed them, shared jokes, fun times in our lives and he was a part my “movie going” group. Actually he started the group, a few of us got together once every two weeks went and saw a movie and after the movie went out to eat and shared our thoughts on the movie. The interesting part of this group was the age differences and the different ideas and perspectives each of us had on the movie. I learned a lot about people, especially the older generation - in 1983 I was only 19. Fun times were had by all. Unfortunately, my friendship with the Major was cut short; he was killed in an automobile accident, while at home visiting his family in Alabama. I was devastated and decided at that point in my life, I never wanted to feel hurt like that again. I stopped getting close to anyone, or allowing anyone to be close to me.

As time went by and I aged, a few people (adults and they worked really hard), my husband, my best friend of thirty years, and my dad found their way into that place in my heart where there is love (my children all already reside there). When I was told my dad had cancer, my first thought was; “he can beat this, he is the strongest man I know, he's my dad and he knows I need him, so he'll beat this.” Unfortunately, after a conversation with my dad in November, I knew he wasn't long for the world. I have always considered myself a strong person, a do it on my own kind of girl, tough to a fault. I have even heard people call me “cold-hearted,” “difficult/stubborn” and my favorite “bit#$.” They never bothered me, because as I have always told my children, “people find it easier to judge someone and call them names than it is to take the time to get to know them.” My case is no different, not to mention I don't make it easy for people. My husband, my best friend and my dad knew this. I have very few close friends; I know many people, but very few of them can say they know me. My dad knew me and I knew my dad. But his death has caused me to feel a pain that I haven't felt since I lost my Major friend in 1983, only deeper and more profound. My dark moods are because I miss him very much and I am trying to prevent myself from closing off the world, as I did in 1983. I'm not as closed off as I once was, but the opportunity is there and it's a struggle for me.

Seven years ago, I lost my mom, my aunt and my step-grandmother, all within the same year. There was no real love for any of these woman and therefore their passing meant little to me. I even went to my mom's funeral to make certain she was dead. So much of her life was a lie, I expected her death might also have been a fabrication. My life really began after she died. The reason my life began; because she wasn't around to poo-poo and criticize everything in my life anymore. I could achieve things, I never thought possible when she was alive. Even distance didn't stop her from crushing my hopes, dreams and causing problems in my marriage. She even attempted to put a wedge (she used lying as a tool to cause problems between people) between my dad and me and for many years she did. I was very blessed to have had the past seven years with my dad, even though I lived out of state. We built a great father-daughter relationship over the phone. He sent holiday cards, birthday cards and even a card of inspiration once. I respected and admired my father and recently before he passed, he told me, he respected and admired me. I'm hurting; I don't know how long the grieving process lasts, I just know I have to go with the flow until the hurt diminishes. I know it may never go away completely, but as time goes on, it may become less and less and maybe I can remember my dad with a smile instead of the sadness and the “I miss you” tears when I think of him.

If you have ever lost anyone you love, I hope you understand the dark moods I have had since I started writing again. Everyday I remind myself what a wonderful gift love is, and if you have that gift in your life don't take it for granted, don't ignore it, or don't put it off until tomorrow. Seize the moment, make the memories and enjoy the time. One amazing saying I see everywhere these days is “live, laugh, love,” Yes! “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE,” it's worth it.

There is a fun saying from the movie Hitch with Will Smith (Hitch) and Eva Mendes (Sara), Hitch says to Sara, “Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.” Something to think about as the day progresses.

This is the last blog I will do about dad, as I will be working on better days and moving ahead with my life without my dad. I will also ask the readers of Daily Mood Quotes to please understand, I may slip and have a dark day occasionally, I'm not perfect....I'm human.

How will you live, laugh and love today?

Tune in tomorrow to read the daily mood quote

Thank you for reading