Daily Mood Quotes - January 11, 2012

Daily Mood Quote

Day 237 – January 11, 2012

“Friendships are discovered rather than made.”

~Harriet Beecher Stowe

What is the difference between friendship and networking? I ask this question because recent events in my life raise the questions of what and why? What are your motives? Why are you talking to me? Why do you want to connect with me? I hate to be so cynical, but these are questions I have to ask. Allow me to give you a little insight into my life. In my family there seemed always to be an ulterior motive, or hook on everything that was done, or said. All favors were conditional and on a “what can you do for me” basis. Nothing was ever from the good of the heart, or just plain ol' love. Consequently, I don't have a great deal of trust for other's motives, when they suddenly pop back into my life after years of distance and want me to friend them on Facebook and invite them into my Linkedin network. “I have questions, queries, posers” that come to mind (thanks Number 5 played by Tim Blaney from the movie Short Circuit with Ally Sheedy and Steve Guttenberg).

These are folks that I once thought of as friends, but now I wonder about that. The era of social networking seems to be becoming less social and more network. I feel that is a loss for all of us. Today people flock to “friend” as many people as possible to build their social profile online. But in the race to hook into the network, we often bypass the basic building blocks of friendship. The first of which is a genuine emotional, not digital, connection to those we know. You just can't get that without an in person experience. The second basic block on which real friendships are built is trust and that takes a while to establish and grow (especially with me, I once had a friend say to me, “you have some very thick walls people need to break through, but once they are through, the friendship is worth it). As in the fable of the bamboo grower, “It takes time.” The third block upon which friendship is built is shared goals, interests, or other emotionally connected experiences; be they positive, or negative. Emotion counts. If there is no emotion, there is no friendship, its that simple. That's how we connect to people and develop friendships. To call it anything else is a lie and I can’t support that and you can't get that from a “digital network.”

If it's just a way to “leverage” an acquaintance, let's be honest about it. Your not looking for a friendship, your developing a means, a way to get what you want, be it a job, a promotion, a status...whatever. Much like my mom, “I'll give that to you, if you do this for me.” I have to wonder if this was Mark Zuckerberg's intention for Facebook. I know I'm being cynical here, but it seems to me that we have taken a great idea and bastardized it into a “what can you do for me opportunity.” Both online and off, and no longer about “genuine friendship.” I have noticed that people's offline behavior is beginning to mimic this online “friending” fraud. Online habits seem to leak into real life. It leaves me wondering does anyone know what friendship is anymore, what it looks like or even how one is suppose to behave in public? Or, is it all about, “hey he/she is in a position that can help me move up, so I think I will friend him/her on Facebook, or Linkedin.” It seems as what was once a wonderful way to stay connected to family and your true friends has become the domain of networking vultures. Always circling, always drifting in search of that next connection to exploit.

To be fair, I know of some people who don't use Facebook for networking, for them it is about keeping in touch with family and sharing those precious moments with loved ones; that is awesome. I have had a friend for thirty years and she will be the first one to tell you, it took a long time for me to trust her and become friends with her. But when we did, we both will tell you, the friendship is worth it. Oh the stories we could tell, unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to stop laughing long enough to tell them. You can't get this through a random Facebook friend, whom you have never really met.

I know this sounds a bit curmudgeonly and I apologize, but when something bugs me I have to get it out. Three weeks ago, my dad died and I thought perhaps my siblings and I might become closer now that our parents are gone. In fact the opposite has happened. I have reached out, but I haven't heard from anyone since my dad passed. Perhaps they are still grieving, but that isn't what history has taught me. I believe I won't hear from them, unless I have something to offer them. Love with strings, friendships with strings (networking). I miss my dad very much, because his love didn't come with strings attached. They're just following an example was set many years ago by mom, “I'll do this for you, if you do this for me.” Much like networking. It's sad.

Can you tell the difference between “friendship” and “networking friendship” today?

Tune in tomorrow to read the daily mood quote

Thank you for reading

Daily Mood Quotes - December 12, 2011

Daily Mood Quotes

Day 220 – December 12, 2011

“A system is a network of interdependent components that work together to try to accomplish the aim of the system. A system must have an aim. Without the aim, there is no system.”

~W. Edwards Deming

Now all we need to do is add an “ing” to the word network and the connotation changes. A recent conversation with a friend reminded me “that it isn't what you know, but who you know. You have to network, networking is how people get jobs.” Okay, can someone tell why I have spent nearly six years in college to earn a Bachelor's and Master's Degrees? Should I drop out now? Or, maybe I should change my major to include classes like, butt-kissing-101, how to schmooze your abusive boss-201, or, how to get a raise by learning to play golf-301. Tell me my friends what is broken about this “system?”

So it follows, that the best people for the job, apparently aren't the ones getting the jobs. So, why are there still colleges around, if getting a job is based on who you know and not what you know? I don't know about you, but this depresses me...aaalotttt (thank you Peanut from Jeff Dunham). I understand that people need to have good communications skills and it certainly never hurts to “play well with others.” But apparently getting work is based on being somebody’s brother's cousin's niece's second aunt's sorority friend's best buddy, or something like that. That's six degrees of separation I wish were seven! I would like to know, when did networking take the place of actual knowledge, skill and experience? As for me, my experiences in networking have all too often turned my stomach, because it requires people (especially where I live) to go out after work and drink with others they work with. And to quote Bartok the bat from the animated movie Anastasia “This can only end in tears!” A lot of gossip occurs in these outings and that's not something I want to be a part of, in the business world, or in any other part of my life. Gossip is corrosive-period. I have seen too many people's careers and lives destroyed, because of something they said or did, under the influence of alcohol. Even if you don't drink, things you say are often twisted against you in these scenarios. It's simply not worth it. There is an old saying, “With friends like “that” who needs enemies?” I guess when you have been stabbed in the back a few times, you have a cautious wall between you and unpleasant networking “opportunities.” The point is that if everyone is networking and working the system when the heck is anything useful getting done? Kind of explains one reason for a sagging economy... don't it?

So, let's talk about social networking via the internet. I belong to a few social network sites; Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter and they too have their pros and cons. First the pros; if you have something to say, you get the opportunity to say it without interruptions (that's another blog for later), and you have a hard copy of what you said, so if your words would ever be twisted, you have the proof you need (sad we need to think like that). And it lets people connect with others with similar interests and even old friends. That's great and I am grateful for that. On the con side; it also opens you up to bullying, and online attacks, and everything you say online can end up as public record, to use as ammunition against you by random people, human resources departments and even potential vendors and lenders. Plus, there is the ever present specter of identity theft. Additionally, I have found that many human resources managers and executives hide behind the digital wall to exclude quality candidates from positions they are eminently qualified for, except for when they are someone's brother's, sister's cousin's niece’s nephew, who is looking for a job. Oooops sorry, that only happens here. Best to tread lightly through the digital minefield.

The point is, if we do not begin to assess people by what they know and how much they care, we run the risk of being at the mercy of people who may network great, but can't, or won't work worth a darn. Wrong skill set. Wrong attitude often leads to lost profits and high turnover. Erica Albright (played by Rooney Mara) said it best when she said to Mark Zuckerberg (played by Jesse Eisenberg) in the Movie The Social Network, “I'm sorry you are not sufficiently impressed with my education.” I guess I just don't get it. Hiring a “network friend” is like hiring family, it's just bad business. Didn't former President George W. Bush hire many of his friends? See where that got us! Hmmm, enough said.

How will you view networking today?

Tune in tomorrow to read the daily mood quote

Thank you for reading